Live Loved LaShell
Follow Breanna as she runs a nonprofit , figures out life, and just enjoys each moment as it comes her way.
So anyone who knows me understands that I am a crazy color coding, already thinking about 10 years into the future planner. I love knowing what to expect and what I am doing with my life. Control and structure are my close friends and I am more than happy with this. However.... It would appear that no amount of planning would have prepared me for the turns my life has taken in just a year. Before I started college I was planning on being a doctor, and attending a college where most of my friends where going. I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted... But I was wrong. Things happened and I completely jumped ship. I changed my major, I went to a school where I knew literally no one, I escaped the town I have lived my entire life. I ran away from everyones opinions, expectations, and thoughts about who I was, what I should be and where I would end up. And I learned SO much, but the most devastating thing I learned was that my plan was wrong (so completely and totally wrong). Everything I thought I knew about my life and the direction I was headed turned out to be a complete dead end. It was like I was starting all over but this time I had no direction, no clue where to start or how to get where I was going.I was at a loss as to what I should do next and what was truly going to make me happy. Now don't get me wrong, the core stuff, the really important stuff was still there but I no longer knew the direction I needed to take it. The fact that I love people especially kids, that I want to help others more than anything, that I am striving to be a good, kind, exemplary human being, was all still there, but the way I wanted to express them shifted. I realized that all the things I thought I wanted was more of a reflection of what I felt I had to be in order to be accepted and respected, not a reflection of what made me happy. I realized that if my goal was to please everyone around me I would never be able to please myself (and at the end of the day I'm the only one that I have to make happy, no matter how much I tell myself differently). By running away from my home, my life, my problems, and ultimately myself I learned some of my most important lessons. I learned about my hopes, my dreams, my aspirations. I discovered a Breanna I had no idea existed. For the first time in my life I feel so free but also so incredibly lost. It was as if someone had hit reset and everything in my calendar had gotten erased and I had to start fresh. A clean slate, a new blank piece of paper. A new plan needed to be made but this time it had to be about me. It had to include my needs, my dreams, the things that would make me want to get up out of bed every morning. And here I am... A 19 year old young woman with her own website and blog hoping to touch lives through her motivational speaking (and to think I started off thinking I would be a doctor!) There is still so much that I am discovering about myself but I finally feel excited about what I could do and the places I could go. I finally care more about the experience than the plan, and I finally know that at the end of the day my happiness is a priority that has to be thought of. It is okay not to have it all together, and it is okay not to have it all planned out, sometimes the unexpected is the most needed.
With all this being said I think that believing you have it all together only to have it all fall apart is one of the hardest things people have to face but also one of the greatest blessings they can receive. If you take all of that crazy brokenness you have the ability to shift, mold, and rebuild. Knowing that you don't have to put everyone else before your wants and your needs, and that being something different from the expectations that have been brought before you is okay, is so crucial. Most importantlyI think that a person has to learn to know that it is okay to be absolutely and completely happy even if no one approves of why. I have had the chance to talk to so many people, and watch not only their struggles but also their triumphs. I have had personal experiences and second hand views of having everything you thought you knew fall apart right before your eyes. Yet still life goes on... I had a really smart lady tell me once "The sun will keep shining, and the earth will keep spinning." And it will, regardless of what you thought you knew and wanted and in spite of any plans you were silly enough to make. Maybe it is better to focus more on the person you want to be and the things you want to do instead of the plan to get you there. Having a clear of the person you truly are outside of everyone else will allow the plan you need to follow to fall right into place.
Yes, your plan fell apart but maybe (just maybe) it wasn't your world falling apart but finally falling together.